Top 10 Reasons Why Eli Manning Has Gotten Really, Really Good

Everyone is shocked by the recent play and growth of New York Giants Quarterback Eli Manning in these NFL Playoffs.     A source close to the soon-to-be All-Pro Quarterback details for us the top 10 reasons why Eli Manning has suddenly gotten really, really good.

1.                  Puberty.

2.                  Asks his sweetheart to the prom, and she says yes (even giving Eli a kiss on the cheek).

3.                  Beats Big Brother Peyton for the first time at ping pong.    This event is also directly related to Peyton losing his confidence, and playoff game to San Diego.

4.                  Giants Coach Tom Coughlin lets Eli sit at the adult table during pre-game meal versus the Patriots.

5.                  Father Archie acknowledges Eli once again as his biological Son.

6.                  Eli’s real girlfriend turns out to be Jessica Simpson.    Jessica was only hanging with Tony Romo to cause chaos in camp Cowboys (job well done, Jessica!) to help her man Eli.    The couple plan to go to Mexico, but only AFTER the Super Bowl—good choice kids.

7.                  Jeremy Shockey begs forgiveness from Eli for calling him “Sissy” and “Daddy’s Boy” for the past 4 years.

8.                  Starts eating his Wheaties.

9.                  Steals the Manning’s “Mojo Machine” from Peyton.

10.              Stops thinking so damn much and starts becoming the player the Giants drafted.

Photo SI.com.     Article is fiction although I wish it were real.

Top 10 List-Characters on new Cowboys TV series

The Dallas Cowboys, coming off their crushing playoff loss to the New York Giants in the NFL Playoffs, have announced a prime-time series based on the team to be televised on Fox this off-season.      Following is a list of the top 10 characters to be on this prime-time soap opera.    The show, aptly named, “Unlikable People Creating Horrible Karma,” is the centerpiece of the new Fox season.

#1-Tony Romo, character name “Jinx.”     Jinx will be known for his ability to melt down in various ways when times get tough.      Slippery footballs, weekend trips to Mexico with Jessica Simpson and throwdowns with T.O. will all be part of the drama.

#2-Jessica Simpson, character name “Minx.”      Minx will throw the Cowboys chemistry upside down by dating Jinx, taking him to Mexico when the team needs him most, and causing all kinds of drama.

#3-T.O., character name “Diva 81.”    Diva 81 will bring ‘da drama on a weekly basis.    His needy, almost effeminate desire to be loved and adored will be felt from the first episode.    His crying outbursts from Jinx dating hot pop stars and stealing headlines will be on full display.    Wait, I mean crying outbursts from the team losing and him caring so much.

#4-Britney Spears, character name “What The Hell Happened?”    What The Hell Happened will provide the attempted love triangle between her, Jinx and Minx.      What the hell happened will be a former child star with a mess of issues.

#5-Bill Parcells, character name “Big Bill.”      Deep in the heart of Texas sits Jerry Jones’ mortal enemy, Big Bill.    Bill will be the competing football man that comes back to take revenge on Jerry Jones (or J.J. as he will be known) and the ‘Boys.

#6-Jimmy Johnson, character name “Hair Guy.”    Hair Guy will be known as the old, lovable ex-coach that led the Cowboys to their past glory.     His legendary sense of hair care sensibilities and hair care product knowledge will be focused on.

#7-Bill Belichick, character name “Homeless Coach.”     A mysterious, homeless-looking man who wears torn garments, Homeless Coach is befriended by Big Bill to run the competing team in town.

#8-Shaq, character name “The Big Guest Star.”    It wouldn’t be drama without The Big Guest Star.     Dallas will be rocked by The Big Guest Star, as the basketball phenom whose dream it is to be the best Punter in the world.

#9-Wade Philips, character name “No Playoff Wins.”    No Playoff Wins is the lovable Coach who couldn’t shoot straight.    His firing is coming, but until then, he will try his best to lead the Cowboys on the field.

  

#10-Jerry Jones, character name “J.J.”      The head honcho of the Dallas Cowboys, J.J., much like his predecessor, J.R., will run the show and be the law of the Cowboys.     Big ego and small results lately have made J.J. quite ornery.    Watch the sparks fly as he, Jinx, Diva 81 and company come your way this season on Fox.

We have learned that the finale of season one will center around, “Who Shot J.J.”   Everyone is a suspect, and no stone will be unturned when Dallas’ big cheese goes down.    

Photo-SI.com

Chucky Warns Gruden-Win Super Bowl Or Else

Chucky, the terrifying doll from the Child’s Play movies, has issued a warning to his real-life likeness, Buccaneers’ Head Football Coach, Jon Gruden.    The message: Win the Super Bowl, or else.      Chucky, whose real name is Charles Lee Ray, is known for his strange and violent behavior, becoming a star thanks to several gory films in the “Child’s Play” series.     Gruden became involved with Chucky thanks to an eerie resemblance, featuring weird, matching grins.

Chucky, who was reached in his Malibu, California home, did not mince words when discussing Gruden’s future.     “Gruden better win the whole thing this year, and I’m not playing,”  the tiny, violent actor stated via long distance.    “Everything was cool when he had three straight double digit win seasons, but that was a long, long time ago.    See, his and my fortunes are intertwined.    When he was up, I was up.    Champagne, the ladies, you know what I mean.     Now, 4 out of 6 years with a losing record, no playoff wins since winning the Super Bowl, now a weak 9-7 record in a piss-poor division.    A home playoff game.   Lah-dee-friggin-dah.”     

Chucky then excused himself for a few minutes.    Screams could be heard in the background but I was afraid to ask about them when he returned.      Chucky sighed and continued, “I want some results.    He is making me look bad.    I haven’t had a hit movie since he went into the tank.    You think that’s a coincidence?    This Malibu condo doesn’t pay for itself.”      

When asked what might happen to his alter-ego if a Super Bowl championship was not in the cards this year, Chucky was once again to the point.      “He knows where I stand on this.   I don’t fire people.    I set fire to people, or chop, you know, whatever I am in the mood for that day.”

It has been said by close friends of Chucky that he has been very depressed since his girlfriend, Tiffany, left him for another doll two years ago.    Chucky blames Gruden for this and other changes in his (Chucky’s) lifestyle since the Coach stopped winning playoff games and having winning records.     “That Super Bowl win is getting a little grey around the temples, if you know what I mean,” Chucky screamed through the receiver.    “I want to be back on top.    Frankly, I never saw the resemblance but he (Gruden) kept pushing it with that stupid grimace that he stole from me.”     Coach Gruden could not be reached for comment but his dry cleaner did admit that Gruden had brought in more pants for cleaning than usual.    

Photo-AP

Bill Belichick’s Hip-Hop, Pre-Playoff, Super Bowl Victory Press Conference

Bill Belichick has called a Super Bowl victory press conference before the playoffs begin.    We now go to Foxborough, Massachusetts for live coverage….

  

(Coach Belichick slides up to the podium.    He has a new wardrobe, complete with Kangol cap and baggy pants.    It is a radical departure for Belichick, who is usually conservative and crabby.)

Coach:    I called this press conference to formally announce our Super Bowl win, and a perfect 19-0 season.

Question:   But Coach, the playoffs haven’t started yet.

Coach:   So?    Listen, this is a whole new, bright shiny day in Patriot-Land.    We don’t wait for things to happen, we make things happen.   Got it?

Question:   Coach, you have a new look.

Coach:    (Steps back from the podium, modeling for the crowd.)      This is just the me that y’all never see.    I’ve learned a thing or two from my players, or should I say, Playas, this year.    One thing was that my sense of style wasn’t tight.    I feel a lot more comfortable in these baggy jeans and fresh kicks.    

Question:     Coach, you are known for taking it one game at a time.   Why announce a Super Bowl Victory before the playoffs?

Coach:    19-0, Son!   That’s who I am!   (Coach pulls a gigantic gold chain out from under his shirt, and waves it from his neck at the crowd.    It is a huge, gold plate reading “19-0,” on a chain that can only be classified as a rope.)     Holla!

Question:     But why announce it before the playoffs when your attitude has been one step at a time?

Coach:    That one game at a time s*** don’t play at 19-0.    We eat the whole pie at once, Junior.

Question:    What do your players think about your new attitude?

Coach:   They love it.   They’re down with it.    They urged me to find my inner hustler, and here it is.

Question:       Do you think that going 16-0 has helped create this new Coach Belichick?

Coach:   It’s 19-0, and I don’t think I’ve changed much, really.   By the way, from this moment forward I will no longer be known as Bill Belichick.    From now on, I will answer only to “B-Bel.”   (The reporters look at one another like Coach has gone crazy, or maybe they have.)

Question:  “B-Bel?”

Coach:  Yeah, “B-Bel.”  Like “J-Lo,” but without the “J-Lo,” and with the “B-Bel.”   I was chillin’ the other day, thinking about a nickname, ‘cause “Coach” just ain’t cutting it anymore.   Not for a 19-0 Coach that is, so a member of my posse came up with “B-Bel.”

Question:   You have a posse?

Coach:  Oh, yeah.     Robert Kraft, Jay-Z, Parcells, Snoop….they’re all in.

Question:      This is quite a change…..

Coach:  (Interrupting the reporter)  Ain’t nothing changed, man.   (Coach throws out his hands to the reporters to show all 6 of his massive Super Bowl rings, including the one he expects to win this season.)     That’s what I’m talking ‘bout!

Question:    But predicting a Super Bowl win a month before the game.   That’s unheard of!

Coach:   19-0 is unheard of.    We’re blazing trails here, son!     I’ll even predict the score.      Me-52,  Dallas-10.    I mean, Patriots-52,  Dallas-10.   I keep forgetting we’re a team.     The reason I pick Dallas?    Brother can’t wait for a Texas beatdown.     That Jerry Jones talks too much.    Ah, the world needs snake oil too.     Know what I’m sayin’?

Question:    Coach….the new clothes.   The new attitude.    The world will be shocked.     There was a rumor about some kind of checklist that you prepared before the season?

Coach:   That’s correct.   I made a list before this season of the goals I wanted us to achieve.  (Pulls out a post-it from his jacket.)    One—19-0.   Check.    Two—Destroy the one last remaining reason for Don Shula to live.   Check.     Three—Get Brady higher-quality tail than Derek Jeter.    Check.      

Also, one other thing.     B-Bel just wants everyone to know, that B-Bel hasn’t changed.   B-Bel is just keepin’ it real.    B-Bel has always been B-Bel, will always be B-Bel.    B-Bel loves B-Bel some B-Bel.    Peace!

(End Of Press Conference)

Disclaimer:  Unfortunately this is merely a fictional account, and in addition it never really happened.   However, it would have been the best damn press conference ever if it did.      In addition, no semi-creepy, master-mindy Head Coaches were harmed during the making of this article.   

God’s Press Conference Announcing Patriots Perfect Season

GOD HAS PRESS CONFERENCE  –  DECLARES PATRIOTS SEASON TO BE PERFECT, INCLUDING UPCOMING SUPER BOWL ROMP 

Q:        Are you a football fan, God?

God:     Of course.   I love the game.     Sunday is a busy day for me so I put football on Sundays just to unwind a bit.     I must admit that although John Madden has lost his fastball, I still like listening to his voice call a game.   It reminds me of the 80’s.

Q:        There is a rumor you have something to say about the Patriots?

God:     Yes…yes, I do.     I have declared this season by my touch to be perfect.    A glistening, glorious 19-0 vision including a walloping of the Dallas Cowboys in the Super Bowl.

Q:        How involved are you with outcomes of games?

God:     Did you watch the Pats-Ravens game last Monday night?  (God raises eyebrow).    Next question!

Q:        What do you think of Belichick’s wardrobe?

God:     Great Coach but the ensembles are like he dresses in the dark—Me help him.

Q:        Why the Patriots?

God:     I have played with the heads of Boston fans for so many years it was time to give something back to the community.     I still like that Buckner one personally but enough was enough.   Enjoy, Chowderheads (laughs with a roar)!

Q:        Has anyone sold their soul in the Patriots’ organization to be ordained like this?

God:     (Ponders) We are currently in negotiations.      Let’s just say…supermodels, fame, super bowls, cleft chin…you don’t get nothing for nothing.

Q:        Anything else you wish to say, Dear God?

God:     Yes…one last thing (looks at microphone)….They were, who we thought they were…and we let ‘em off the hook!   I always wanted to say that.     Stay thirsty my Friends!